http://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/depression-and-adhd/relationship-between-depression-and-adhd-homepage-toc/menu-id-360/
http://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/depression-and-adhd/many-with-adhd-also-suffer-from-depression/menu-id-53/
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
finding myself
My therapist sent me this article from the Daily News which talks about ADHD being underdiagnosed in women. It didn't teach me anything new about the condition but does indicate that the underdiagnosis of women is getting mainstream press attention: http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2010/04/06/2010-04-06_more_women_than_men_seek_help_for_treatment_of_adult_adhd_.html.
She also sent me this one on the affect of ADHD on relationships. While its point is that diagnosis can help a relationship in trouble--when previously a full-brained spouse viewed the attention-lacking one as unengaged/neglectful/irresponsible/lazy--it still makes me feel like a liability. Whoever chooses me will have to put up with me and I apologize in advance for that.
I keep having this thought: "Oh my god now that makes sense." The "that" varies, but is generally some event that went down in a negative way that never quite made sense. But everytime I think of another one there's a click, and if i play the movie of my life it's click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click! It sounds grandiose but it's like the pieces of my life now fit and I can justify my experience.
Here's what I mean. I have always had trouble paying attention in large meetings; I have pinch myself to stay focused, often my mind wanders and then when i returns 15 minutes later I panic because a) I realize that should anyone ask me something, I'll have no idea what they're talking aobut and b) if something doesn't make sense going forward I can't ask questions because it's possible they already went over that information and I don't want to look like... a space cadet. I berate myself whenever this happens and my brain spins into: Why didn't I pay attention? What the fuck is wrong with me? Clearly I'm doomed for failure--if i can't trust myself to have my back, than what do I have? Anyhow: Click! Turns out I'm not an asshole.
Here's another thing: I have zero recall of anything said in any lecture I attended in college. I have always been embarassed by this. Was I that depressed and that out to lunch and that out-of-control that I paid that little attention to what I was being taught? The answer is in part, yes. I was depressed and out to lunch. I struggled with school and I struggled a LOT with the transition to college: the onslaught of new people, the round-the-clock socialization, the keeping of my own schedule, the lack of checked homework, the giant lecture halls where i could sleep or just not show up. I was insecure about my new friendships, fucking up school, underslept, ovetweaked and my face was breaking out. I was not in the best shape. But I know lots of people who were depressed and tweaked out in college who still retained some information. How could my sum-total absorption be zero? This one doesn't have quite as much of a click! because it's got the depression layered on top of it and does the depression cause the inattention or the inattention cause the depression? This is a sticking point for me.
Here's another thing: I hate it when someone suggests a group game if it's one I don't know how to play and requires strategy. Poker for example. Invariably someone will say, it's easy! I'll teach you how. The problem is, I can't absorb the rules. They tell me, the words go into the air, and then they fly out the window. I can almost see them there, hanging, solid, then i go to grab them and they evaporate. Piff. Click!
It is just occurring to me that one of the things I struggle with in writing is not going over the same ground. I repeat myself because i can't remember what I've already said. Click!
And the big one is my childhood. I was a nerd in elementary school, an outcast. I've always had a collection of reasons I've ticked off for why things were the way they were. There's the fact that my family didn't fit in, New York academics settled among blue-collar Boston Irish; the fact that we were the only Jews; the issue of me being a smart kid; that my clothes were hand-me-downs from Staten Island conservative Jews; that my mom sent my lunch to school in a giant paper grocery bag instead of a proper little lunch bag so that my lunch sitting among the other lunches in the lunch basket looked like it had gigantism. Kids have been ostracized for far less. But there were things that didn't make sense. As a little kid I got along fine with the other kids on my block. I played with everybody. I had multiple boyfriends. I had birthday parties to which every kid on the block came, and pictures of me and everyone else grinning and giggling and twirling in our party hats in my parents' front yard. Around 8 everything changed.
It's like the sound in the movie changed. At first it's clear and people are laughing and everything is in technicolor. And then around age 8, it's like i began to live behind glass with cotton in my ears. I felt like I viewed everything from a distance. I didn't fit in and I didn't know why. Everyone else seemed to know what to say and do and how to laugh and make jokes. I didn't. I was an outcast. I spent most of my time silent, and became a magnet for bullies. Generally loud, dumb girls, they would find me on the playground or on the bus and taunt me, not for anything in particular, but what was consistent was they seemed to come out of nowhere and start goading me, trying to get me to respond. Kids I'd never met would mock me. I remember sitting in my parents' station wagon in the parking area of a lake, waiting for them to finish loading up the trunk, probably staring into space, and then suddenly something catching my eye and I looked right and was startled that a girl in the car next to ours was taunting me, exaggerating a wide-eyed look, making fun of my staring. I was mortified.
It occurs to me now, that if it's true that I had Primarily Inattentive ADHD, I was likely staring into space all the time. A spaced out, staring, quiet, self conscious child is a magnet for bullies. It wasn't that i was actually doing anything. It's that I wasn't doing anything but staring into space like a living zombie statue. It occurs to me now that this might have drawn attention.
Anyhow. Click.
She also sent me this one on the affect of ADHD on relationships. While its point is that diagnosis can help a relationship in trouble--when previously a full-brained spouse viewed the attention-lacking one as unengaged/neglectful/irresponsible/lazy--it still makes me feel like a liability. Whoever chooses me will have to put up with me and I apologize in advance for that.
I keep having this thought: "Oh my god now that makes sense." The "that" varies, but is generally some event that went down in a negative way that never quite made sense. But everytime I think of another one there's a click, and if i play the movie of my life it's click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click! It sounds grandiose but it's like the pieces of my life now fit and I can justify my experience.
Here's what I mean. I have always had trouble paying attention in large meetings; I have pinch myself to stay focused, often my mind wanders and then when i returns 15 minutes later I panic because a) I realize that should anyone ask me something, I'll have no idea what they're talking aobut and b) if something doesn't make sense going forward I can't ask questions because it's possible they already went over that information and I don't want to look like... a space cadet. I berate myself whenever this happens and my brain spins into: Why didn't I pay attention? What the fuck is wrong with me? Clearly I'm doomed for failure--if i can't trust myself to have my back, than what do I have? Anyhow: Click! Turns out I'm not an asshole.
Here's another thing: I have zero recall of anything said in any lecture I attended in college. I have always been embarassed by this. Was I that depressed and that out to lunch and that out-of-control that I paid that little attention to what I was being taught? The answer is in part, yes. I was depressed and out to lunch. I struggled with school and I struggled a LOT with the transition to college: the onslaught of new people, the round-the-clock socialization, the keeping of my own schedule, the lack of checked homework, the giant lecture halls where i could sleep or just not show up. I was insecure about my new friendships, fucking up school, underslept, ovetweaked and my face was breaking out. I was not in the best shape. But I know lots of people who were depressed and tweaked out in college who still retained some information. How could my sum-total absorption be zero? This one doesn't have quite as much of a click! because it's got the depression layered on top of it and does the depression cause the inattention or the inattention cause the depression? This is a sticking point for me.
Here's another thing: I hate it when someone suggests a group game if it's one I don't know how to play and requires strategy. Poker for example. Invariably someone will say, it's easy! I'll teach you how. The problem is, I can't absorb the rules. They tell me, the words go into the air, and then they fly out the window. I can almost see them there, hanging, solid, then i go to grab them and they evaporate. Piff. Click!
It is just occurring to me that one of the things I struggle with in writing is not going over the same ground. I repeat myself because i can't remember what I've already said. Click!
And the big one is my childhood. I was a nerd in elementary school, an outcast. I've always had a collection of reasons I've ticked off for why things were the way they were. There's the fact that my family didn't fit in, New York academics settled among blue-collar Boston Irish; the fact that we were the only Jews; the issue of me being a smart kid; that my clothes were hand-me-downs from Staten Island conservative Jews; that my mom sent my lunch to school in a giant paper grocery bag instead of a proper little lunch bag so that my lunch sitting among the other lunches in the lunch basket looked like it had gigantism. Kids have been ostracized for far less. But there were things that didn't make sense. As a little kid I got along fine with the other kids on my block. I played with everybody. I had multiple boyfriends. I had birthday parties to which every kid on the block came, and pictures of me and everyone else grinning and giggling and twirling in our party hats in my parents' front yard. Around 8 everything changed.
It's like the sound in the movie changed. At first it's clear and people are laughing and everything is in technicolor. And then around age 8, it's like i began to live behind glass with cotton in my ears. I felt like I viewed everything from a distance. I didn't fit in and I didn't know why. Everyone else seemed to know what to say and do and how to laugh and make jokes. I didn't. I was an outcast. I spent most of my time silent, and became a magnet for bullies. Generally loud, dumb girls, they would find me on the playground or on the bus and taunt me, not for anything in particular, but what was consistent was they seemed to come out of nowhere and start goading me, trying to get me to respond. Kids I'd never met would mock me. I remember sitting in my parents' station wagon in the parking area of a lake, waiting for them to finish loading up the trunk, probably staring into space, and then suddenly something catching my eye and I looked right and was startled that a girl in the car next to ours was taunting me, exaggerating a wide-eyed look, making fun of my staring. I was mortified.
It occurs to me now, that if it's true that I had Primarily Inattentive ADHD, I was likely staring into space all the time. A spaced out, staring, quiet, self conscious child is a magnet for bullies. It wasn't that i was actually doing anything. It's that I wasn't doing anything but staring into space like a living zombie statue. It occurs to me now that this might have drawn attention.
Anyhow. Click.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
moving forward
There are many other pages I have looked at on the web. I think I have looked at all of them and they're starting to blend together. I have also read the seminal book on ADHD Driven to Distraction--which i found not so useful because it seems to me to be mostly about hyperactivity and impulsivity. And I have made a list of other books I want to get on women's ADHD: Understanding Women with ADHD by Kathleen Nadeau and Barbara Quinn, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden, ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau. But I have also done a lot of thinking. Suddenly finding out that there's a description of you as a child in the DSM -- listing all of the things that you always thought made you a freak--it's unnerving.
And it's validating. And terrifying.
It's unnerving because all this time you've been going along thinking you were a tad dysfuncitonal and it turns out you were the poster child for what's defined in the DSM as a pathology. It's terrifying because ithe literature lays out the typical life trajectory associated with this pathology: quite smart child, tests above average, spacey but bright, forgetful of things like her lunch and her keys, doesn't connect well with other children, does well in school until she's faced with a task on which she has to pay attention, starts to do poorly, her self esteem--already bruised by alienation--starts to plummet, she fights to do better but is criticized for not applying herself, has trouble organizaing her thoughts, this makes college a bitch college, so often she drops out, jumps from job to job, has trouble with relationships, has trouble achieving goals, sees life as series of failures and then dies. OK, they don't say the "then dies" part. But they don't finish the story either. They leave it with job problems and the relationship thing but it's easy to fill in that blank.
But it's also validating. I've read stories which have turning points where the protagonist suddenly sees himself clearly for the first time. Such moments have always seemed, well...if you spend your life with yourself can you possibly be that inobservant that you've never really seen you? Apparently I've never really seen me. Or I never really knew me. Things that never made sense suddenly make sense. The things that I've always struggled with that seeemed like they should have been easy--reading, paying attention to lectures, understanding directions, developing English paper thesis statements, recalling trivia -- turns out my brain style doesn't automatically allow me to do these things. It is not laziness. I am not a loser. I just don't process information in a way that makes these tasks possible.
But then i'm back to terrifying. If these things were the result of laziness, then all I had to do was get my ass motivated and they would be fixed. If they're the result of pathology, does this limit what I"m capable of? My guess is no, that perhaps I have just been swimming upstream, that I've developed coping mechanisms on my own but that I could learn a lot about how to progress faster. This is exciting. But there's another scary part. Bear in mind I haven't yet been diagnosed. What if they tell me that I'm wrong? That I might think I'm the poster child for Primarily Inattentive ADHD but really I'm just a neurotic looking for a scapegoat for my problems? What if they tell me I'm just not applying myself? This would be very upsetting. Now, I know I said not but a few sentences ago that were this the result of laziness, then i could fix it by getting off of my lazy ass. But then we're back to self blame, self hatred, self doubt. It is my fault that I am this way. For a few days, for the first time in my life, I've been able to think differently: it's not my fault. It's not necessarily a pathology, but it appears I have a style--a serires of traits--that make certain parts of life difficult. "It's not my fault" has been one of the most freeing thoughts I've ever thought.
So the next step is diagnosis, to find out if this is me. Tonight my therapist suggested a few people to get in touch with, a psychologist/learning specialist, the NYU clinic, and a psychiatrist wth an ADD focus. She seemed to think the first person would be a good place to start, someone with her finger on the beat of things one can do about adult ADHD. I am scared but I will move forward.
And it's validating. And terrifying.
It's unnerving because all this time you've been going along thinking you were a tad dysfuncitonal and it turns out you were the poster child for what's defined in the DSM as a pathology. It's terrifying because ithe literature lays out the typical life trajectory associated with this pathology: quite smart child, tests above average, spacey but bright, forgetful of things like her lunch and her keys, doesn't connect well with other children, does well in school until she's faced with a task on which she has to pay attention, starts to do poorly, her self esteem--already bruised by alienation--starts to plummet, she fights to do better but is criticized for not applying herself, has trouble organizaing her thoughts, this makes college a bitch college, so often she drops out, jumps from job to job, has trouble with relationships, has trouble achieving goals, sees life as series of failures and then dies. OK, they don't say the "then dies" part. But they don't finish the story either. They leave it with job problems and the relationship thing but it's easy to fill in that blank.
But it's also validating. I've read stories which have turning points where the protagonist suddenly sees himself clearly for the first time. Such moments have always seemed, well...if you spend your life with yourself can you possibly be that inobservant that you've never really seen you? Apparently I've never really seen me. Or I never really knew me. Things that never made sense suddenly make sense. The things that I've always struggled with that seeemed like they should have been easy--reading, paying attention to lectures, understanding directions, developing English paper thesis statements, recalling trivia -- turns out my brain style doesn't automatically allow me to do these things. It is not laziness. I am not a loser. I just don't process information in a way that makes these tasks possible.
But then i'm back to terrifying. If these things were the result of laziness, then all I had to do was get my ass motivated and they would be fixed. If they're the result of pathology, does this limit what I"m capable of? My guess is no, that perhaps I have just been swimming upstream, that I've developed coping mechanisms on my own but that I could learn a lot about how to progress faster. This is exciting. But there's another scary part. Bear in mind I haven't yet been diagnosed. What if they tell me that I'm wrong? That I might think I'm the poster child for Primarily Inattentive ADHD but really I'm just a neurotic looking for a scapegoat for my problems? What if they tell me I'm just not applying myself? This would be very upsetting. Now, I know I said not but a few sentences ago that were this the result of laziness, then i could fix it by getting off of my lazy ass. But then we're back to self blame, self hatred, self doubt. It is my fault that I am this way. For a few days, for the first time in my life, I've been able to think differently: it's not my fault. It's not necessarily a pathology, but it appears I have a style--a serires of traits--that make certain parts of life difficult. "It's not my fault" has been one of the most freeing thoughts I've ever thought.
So the next step is diagnosis, to find out if this is me. Tonight my therapist suggested a few people to get in touch with, a psychologist/learning specialist, the NYU clinic, and a psychiatrist wth an ADD focus. She seemed to think the first person would be a good place to start, someone with her finger on the beat of things one can do about adult ADHD. I am scared but I will move forward.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
reading
I have been reading about inattentive ADHD obsessively. It turns out that's one of the things we do. When we're interested, go at it whole hog. Unfortunately we don't have much in the way of organizational skills, so while we're going at it, we're not necessarily doing anything with it.
I started reading about ADHD on Tuesday rigth after therapy and I've been reading about it ever since, on the internet because i haven't had time to get to a bookstore. From Thursday through Saturday (today's Sunday) I was at a conference in DC for my job with the College Board, listening to different lectures on teaching techniques and learning styles. I'll get to this in a while.
It turns out, there's not so much about inattentive ADHD. ADHD can be deinfed by both inattention and hyperactivity/compulsivity symptoms. There are three types of ADHD: 1) combined type (where you show both types of symptoms) 2)predominantely hyperactive/impulsive type and 3) inattentive type. There's shitload on what to do about the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms which primarily affect boys. Same old song. Think about the amount of money that's gone into treating erectile dysfunciton compared to...anything to do with women.
Perhaps I am being too harsh, but only a bit. What I'm learning is that part of the reason there is so little on inattentive-type ADHD is that we're hard to pick out. Not identifiable by outbursts and disruption, we sit quietly and stare into space, seem bright but just unmotivated. The smarter we are, the better we're able to slink by. Our grades are low but not low enough to warrant intervention from the school, just low enough that people think we're not applying ourselves. We're pegged as depressed, which in fact, we are, becuause we're constatntly letting ourselves down.
So here is what I've found in the reading that's interesting, that resonated, that sounds like me and makes me think i can use words like "we", since these are descriptions applying to a group of as yet unidentified (to me) space cadette ladies who I am starting to think of as my sisters.
I plug "inattentive adhd" into Google. Here are some excerpts from the information I've found, the links from which they come, and in red, the things that resonate with me most.
Inattentive-type ADHD is characterized by difficulty focusing for extended periods of time; distractability; lack of organization; and, hypo- rather than hyper-activity. It is more likely to occur in girls, and is far less likely to be diagnosed.
Kids with inattentive-type ADHD don't get in troubled for disrupting the class, but they may not fare any better in school than their hyperactive counter-parts.
Their lack of focus is turned inward.
They daydream, rather than talking to the kids sitting next to them.
Proper diagnosis of inattentive-type ADHD is important to a child's academic and social success.
Learning disabilities are more likely to accompany inattentive-type ADHD, symptoms are less likely to reduce with age, and because inattentive-types are so often turned inward, they have a harder time initiating friendships. [Me again. This is where I start to get sad].
Don't be fooled by the "hyperactivity" part of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Not all ADHD is characterized by hyperactivity. If your child has trouble paying attention in class and at home, and gets easily distracted from the task at hand, she may have an inattentive form of ADHD. [Me again: There is no information here saying what to DO if your child has the inattentive form of ADHD].
http://www.4-adhd.com/adhd/inattentive-type-adhd-often-misdiagnosed-misunderstood.htm
On the same site....
...Here is another piece that describes someone I think could be a sister space cadette (http://www.4-adhd.com/girls-add-differences.html): Sarah had been an honor roll student in elementary school. When she entered middle school, her grades began to slide, but since she was “a good kid,” her parents and teachers thought she just needed to get organized. Sarah’s self-esteem took a real beating in high school, when she received her first F.
Happily for pretend Sarah she gets diagnosed and she gets help but it doesn't say what that help was.
On the same site there is a more useful piece that describes ADHD in girls in more detail but doesn't focus specfically on inattentive type. It has some advice for what parents should do if their kid has adhd and this is at least some progress: http://www.4-adhd.com/girls-with-adhd.html. But then again on the same site is a link (not an ad) to a school that the editorial copy specializes in girls with ADD and learning differenes. I went to look at the school and don't see anything about ADD on the site.
This paragraph from Wikipedia(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive) makes me want to cry: The more intelligent inattentive children may realize on some level that they are somehow different internally from their peers; however, they are unfortunately also likely to accept and internalize the continuous negative feedback, creating a negative self-image that becomes self-reinforcing. If these children progress into adulthood undiagnosed or untreated, their inattentiveness, ongoing frustrations, and poor self-image frequently create numerous and severe problems maintaining healthy relationships, succeeding in postsecondary schooling, or succeeding in the workplace. These problems can compound frustrations and low self-esteem, and will often lead to the development of secondary pathologies including anxiety disorders, mood disorders, and substance abuse.[2]. Again, here the strategies for dealnig with it, which include medication and behavior modification (it says medication alone will not work) are aimed at parents dealing with kids with ADHD. At 35, I'm past the point where my parents can help.
More sadness:
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1626.html
The self-esteem of girls with ADHD also appears to be more impaired than that of boys with ADHD (which may explain why the survey found that girls were three times more likely to report taking antidepressants prior to being diagnosed). It’s not surprising, then, that the condition can take a toll on a female’s emotional health and general well-being. According to Dr. Quinn, girls with ADHD tend to have more mood disorders, anxiety, and self-esteem problems than non-ADHD girls. “They might get an A on a report, but because they had to work three times as hard to get it, they see themselves as not being as smart as other people,” she says.
I started reading about ADHD on Tuesday rigth after therapy and I've been reading about it ever since, on the internet because i haven't had time to get to a bookstore. From Thursday through Saturday (today's Sunday) I was at a conference in DC for my job with the College Board, listening to different lectures on teaching techniques and learning styles. I'll get to this in a while.
It turns out, there's not so much about inattentive ADHD. ADHD can be deinfed by both inattention and hyperactivity/compulsivity symptoms. There are three types of ADHD: 1) combined type (where you show both types of symptoms) 2)predominantely hyperactive/impulsive type and 3) inattentive type. There's shitload on what to do about the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms which primarily affect boys. Same old song. Think about the amount of money that's gone into treating erectile dysfunciton compared to...anything to do with women.
Perhaps I am being too harsh, but only a bit. What I'm learning is that part of the reason there is so little on inattentive-type ADHD is that we're hard to pick out. Not identifiable by outbursts and disruption, we sit quietly and stare into space, seem bright but just unmotivated. The smarter we are, the better we're able to slink by. Our grades are low but not low enough to warrant intervention from the school, just low enough that people think we're not applying ourselves. We're pegged as depressed, which in fact, we are, becuause we're constatntly letting ourselves down.
So here is what I've found in the reading that's interesting, that resonated, that sounds like me and makes me think i can use words like "we", since these are descriptions applying to a group of as yet unidentified (to me) space cadette ladies who I am starting to think of as my sisters.
I plug "inattentive adhd" into Google. Here are some excerpts from the information I've found, the links from which they come, and in red, the things that resonate with me most.
Inattentive-type ADHD is characterized by difficulty focusing for extended periods of time; distractability; lack of organization; and, hypo- rather than hyper-activity. It is more likely to occur in girls, and is far less likely to be diagnosed.
Kids with inattentive-type ADHD don't get in troubled for disrupting the class, but they may not fare any better in school than their hyperactive counter-parts.
Their lack of focus is turned inward.
They daydream, rather than talking to the kids sitting next to them.
Proper diagnosis of inattentive-type ADHD is important to a child's academic and social success.
Learning disabilities are more likely to accompany inattentive-type ADHD, symptoms are less likely to reduce with age, and because inattentive-types are so often turned inward, they have a harder time initiating friendships. [Me again. This is where I start to get sad].
Don't be fooled by the "hyperactivity" part of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Not all ADHD is characterized by hyperactivity. If your child has trouble paying attention in class and at home, and gets easily distracted from the task at hand, she may have an inattentive form of ADHD. [Me again: There is no information here saying what to DO if your child has the inattentive form of ADHD].
http://www.4-adhd.com/adhd/inattentive-type-adhd-often-misdiagnosed-misunderstood.htm
On the same site....
...Here is another piece that describes someone I think could be a sister space cadette (http://www.4-adhd.com/girls-add-differences.html): Sarah had been an honor roll student in elementary school. When she entered middle school, her grades began to slide, but since she was “a good kid,” her parents and teachers thought she just needed to get organized. Sarah’s self-esteem took a real beating in high school, when she received her first F.
Happily for pretend Sarah she gets diagnosed and she gets help but it doesn't say what that help was.
On the same site there is a more useful piece that describes ADHD in girls in more detail but doesn't focus specfically on inattentive type. It has some advice for what parents should do if their kid has adhd and this is at least some progress: http://www.4-adhd.com/girls-with-adhd.html. But then again on the same site is a link (not an ad) to a school that the editorial copy specializes in girls with ADD and learning differenes. I went to look at the school and don't see anything about ADD on the site.
This paragraph from Wikipedia(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive) makes me want to cry: The more intelligent inattentive children may realize on some level that they are somehow different internally from their peers; however, they are unfortunately also likely to accept and internalize the continuous negative feedback, creating a negative self-image that becomes self-reinforcing. If these children progress into adulthood undiagnosed or untreated, their inattentiveness, ongoing frustrations, and poor self-image frequently create numerous and severe problems maintaining healthy relationships, succeeding in postsecondary schooling, or succeeding in the workplace. These problems can compound frustrations and low self-esteem, and will often lead to the development of secondary pathologies including anxiety disorders, mood disorders, and substance abuse.[2]. Again, here the strategies for dealnig with it, which include medication and behavior modification (it says medication alone will not work) are aimed at parents dealing with kids with ADHD. At 35, I'm past the point where my parents can help.
More sadness:
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1626.html
The self-esteem of girls with ADHD also appears to be more impaired than that of boys with ADHD (which may explain why the survey found that girls were three times more likely to report taking antidepressants prior to being diagnosed). It’s not surprising, then, that the condition can take a toll on a female’s emotional health and general well-being. According to Dr. Quinn, girls with ADHD tend to have more mood disorders, anxiety, and self-esteem problems than non-ADHD girls. “They might get an A on a report, but because they had to work three times as hard to get it, they see themselves as not being as smart as other people,” she says.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Beginning
Yesterday I had therapy. I have been in therapy on and off for several years with the same therapist--a lovely, helpful woman--for anxiety and depression. Yesterday I was pleased to announce that I felt I was on the road back to health after spending several weeks in the tar pit of a depression in part brought on by stopping my antidepressants, but in part, brought on, by the fact that I am about to turn 35 and fell that i have no personal, professional or romantic direction. For the past few weeks we've been in triage mode, waiting for the meds to kick in. But yesterday we were ready to get back to business, to identify the real problems (as opposed to the crazy ruminations) and some real solutions. We had established that a big part of my discontent was that I was working on a job where I didn't feel satisfied, where I wasn't challenged creatively, and where I didn't have any real aspirations. I announce that rather than finding a job, I needed to find out what makes me happy. Because I sure as fuck didn't know. And in order to find that out, I needed to better manage my time because my spirals into mental distress were often triggered by feeling like things were out of control of work, that i was losing track of the pieces, that I would be outed as a complete incompetent. As someone constantly afraid of being pegged as incompetent, how could I ever pursue something I really cared about? Better to fail at some crappy job where i didn't give a shit. I needed to stop checking my email. Once I started checking my email my work schedule would go out the window. I'd lose 30 minutes at a go, checking email that had no messages, refreshing the browser. Then I'd start work and check email again. I needed help managing my time so I could have the energy to do things I cared about, to even consider what it was I might enjoy.
"You know, I always assumed the email checking had to do with social anxiety," Patty said. "But have you ever looked into ADD?"
I thought: I've been coming to you for 7 years and only now you suggest ADD? And then i said it out loud.
"Hang out, I've got a diagnostic tool," Patty said. She pulled open a drawer, rummaged through a folder and pulled out a piece of paper. Was i considered a spaceshot as a kid? Yes. Did I have trouble finishing what i started? Yes. She gave me the full diagnostic test and said I ranked high on the characteristics for inattention, low on the characteristics for hyperactivity, risk taking and acting out that I'd always associated with ADHD. Didn't that mean I was just depressed? Maybe said Patty. But maybe not. I started painting a picture for her of myself as a child, clothes always rumpled, socks falling down, hair uncombed, my room a dump, my bookbag a cess pool, my locker a place where fruit went to turn into penicillin, where old sandwiches turned black, where books I got in September would remain buried until May, often replaced by additional copies I requested. I couldn't finish books. I got distracted easily. I stared out the window. I'd been mocked by kids who claimed I was on drugs more times than I cared to count. I would often play by myself for hours at a time, doing virtually nothing, digging with a stick or humming or starting at the trees. I did little to distract myself.
"Wow," said Patty. "We should look into this."
I went from therapy to Borders and bought a book on ADHD called Driven to Distraction by a psychiatrist called Edward Hallowell. I plunged into on the subway. It about half sounded like me. The spacey stuff, sure. The hyperactivity stuff, no way. Most of the people the doctor described were boys, class clowns, party animal types who had trouble concentrating, who were well liked but often unsuccessful. This wasn't me. That had never been me. I'd been shy and worked my ass off and doubted myself the entire way.
Then I looked up ADHD for women. Inattentive-type ADHD.
Often misdiagnosed because it manifests not as acting out but as quietness; girls who can't pay attention don't talk for fear of being ridiculed for saying something ridiculous. If they're smart enough, no one notices they're not paying attention unti they're faced with a task they have to pay attention to. For me this task was word problems, which I encountered in fifth grade and to my great embarassment, caused me to recieve my first C. Now not only was I quiet and an outcast. But the one thing I'd been hanging on to as my standout feature--my intelligence--was no longer solid. As it turned out I was dumb. And I thought I was dumb for years. And unable to focus. And lame. And without interest or ambition.
And all this time I just thought I was just a depressive girl. ADHD? Really? Really?
Now I'm going to look into this.
"You know, I always assumed the email checking had to do with social anxiety," Patty said. "But have you ever looked into ADD?"
I thought: I've been coming to you for 7 years and only now you suggest ADD? And then i said it out loud.
"Hang out, I've got a diagnostic tool," Patty said. She pulled open a drawer, rummaged through a folder and pulled out a piece of paper. Was i considered a spaceshot as a kid? Yes. Did I have trouble finishing what i started? Yes. She gave me the full diagnostic test and said I ranked high on the characteristics for inattention, low on the characteristics for hyperactivity, risk taking and acting out that I'd always associated with ADHD. Didn't that mean I was just depressed? Maybe said Patty. But maybe not. I started painting a picture for her of myself as a child, clothes always rumpled, socks falling down, hair uncombed, my room a dump, my bookbag a cess pool, my locker a place where fruit went to turn into penicillin, where old sandwiches turned black, where books I got in September would remain buried until May, often replaced by additional copies I requested. I couldn't finish books. I got distracted easily. I stared out the window. I'd been mocked by kids who claimed I was on drugs more times than I cared to count. I would often play by myself for hours at a time, doing virtually nothing, digging with a stick or humming or starting at the trees. I did little to distract myself.
"Wow," said Patty. "We should look into this."
I went from therapy to Borders and bought a book on ADHD called Driven to Distraction by a psychiatrist called Edward Hallowell. I plunged into on the subway. It about half sounded like me. The spacey stuff, sure. The hyperactivity stuff, no way. Most of the people the doctor described were boys, class clowns, party animal types who had trouble concentrating, who were well liked but often unsuccessful. This wasn't me. That had never been me. I'd been shy and worked my ass off and doubted myself the entire way.
Then I looked up ADHD for women. Inattentive-type ADHD.
- Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
- Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
- Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
- Often has trouble organizing activities.
- Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period (such as schoolwork or homework).
- Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
- Is often easily distracted.
- Is often forgetful in daily activities.
Often misdiagnosed because it manifests not as acting out but as quietness; girls who can't pay attention don't talk for fear of being ridiculed for saying something ridiculous. If they're smart enough, no one notices they're not paying attention unti they're faced with a task they have to pay attention to. For me this task was word problems, which I encountered in fifth grade and to my great embarassment, caused me to recieve my first C. Now not only was I quiet and an outcast. But the one thing I'd been hanging on to as my standout feature--my intelligence--was no longer solid. As it turned out I was dumb. And I thought I was dumb for years. And unable to focus. And lame. And without interest or ambition.
And all this time I just thought I was just a depressive girl. ADHD? Really? Really?
Now I'm going to look into this.
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