My therapist sent me this article from the Daily News which talks about ADHD being underdiagnosed in women. It didn't teach me anything new about the condition but does indicate that the underdiagnosis of women is getting mainstream press attention: http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2010/04/06/2010-04-06_more_women_than_men_seek_help_for_treatment_of_adult_adhd_.html.
She also sent me this one on the affect of ADHD on relationships. While its point is that diagnosis can help a relationship in trouble--when previously a full-brained spouse viewed the attention-lacking one as unengaged/neglectful/irresponsible/lazy--it still makes me feel like a liability. Whoever chooses me will have to put up with me and I apologize in advance for that.
I keep having this thought: "Oh my god now that makes sense." The "that" varies, but is generally some event that went down in a negative way that never quite made sense. But everytime I think of another one there's a click, and if i play the movie of my life it's click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click!click! It sounds grandiose but it's like the pieces of my life now fit and I can justify my experience.
Here's what I mean. I have always had trouble paying attention in large meetings; I have pinch myself to stay focused, often my mind wanders and then when i returns 15 minutes later I panic because a) I realize that should anyone ask me something, I'll have no idea what they're talking aobut and b) if something doesn't make sense going forward I can't ask questions because it's possible they already went over that information and I don't want to look like... a space cadet. I berate myself whenever this happens and my brain spins into: Why didn't I pay attention? What the fuck is wrong with me? Clearly I'm doomed for failure--if i can't trust myself to have my back, than what do I have? Anyhow: Click! Turns out I'm not an asshole.
Here's another thing: I have zero recall of anything said in any lecture I attended in college. I have always been embarassed by this. Was I that depressed and that out to lunch and that out-of-control that I paid that little attention to what I was being taught? The answer is in part, yes. I was depressed and out to lunch. I struggled with school and I struggled a LOT with the transition to college: the onslaught of new people, the round-the-clock socialization, the keeping of my own schedule, the lack of checked homework, the giant lecture halls where i could sleep or just not show up. I was insecure about my new friendships, fucking up school, underslept, ovetweaked and my face was breaking out. I was not in the best shape. But I know lots of people who were depressed and tweaked out in college who still retained some information. How could my sum-total absorption be zero? This one doesn't have quite as much of a click! because it's got the depression layered on top of it and does the depression cause the inattention or the inattention cause the depression? This is a sticking point for me.
Here's another thing: I hate it when someone suggests a group game if it's one I don't know how to play and requires strategy. Poker for example. Invariably someone will say, it's easy! I'll teach you how. The problem is, I can't absorb the rules. They tell me, the words go into the air, and then they fly out the window. I can almost see them there, hanging, solid, then i go to grab them and they evaporate. Piff. Click!
It is just occurring to me that one of the things I struggle with in writing is not going over the same ground. I repeat myself because i can't remember what I've already said. Click!
And the big one is my childhood. I was a nerd in elementary school, an outcast. I've always had a collection of reasons I've ticked off for why things were the way they were. There's the fact that my family didn't fit in, New York academics settled among blue-collar Boston Irish; the fact that we were the only Jews; the issue of me being a smart kid; that my clothes were hand-me-downs from Staten Island conservative Jews; that my mom sent my lunch to school in a giant paper grocery bag instead of a proper little lunch bag so that my lunch sitting among the other lunches in the lunch basket looked like it had gigantism. Kids have been ostracized for far less. But there were things that didn't make sense. As a little kid I got along fine with the other kids on my block. I played with everybody. I had multiple boyfriends. I had birthday parties to which every kid on the block came, and pictures of me and everyone else grinning and giggling and twirling in our party hats in my parents' front yard. Around 8 everything changed.
It's like the sound in the movie changed. At first it's clear and people are laughing and everything is in technicolor. And then around age 8, it's like i began to live behind glass with cotton in my ears. I felt like I viewed everything from a distance. I didn't fit in and I didn't know why. Everyone else seemed to know what to say and do and how to laugh and make jokes. I didn't. I was an outcast. I spent most of my time silent, and became a magnet for bullies. Generally loud, dumb girls, they would find me on the playground or on the bus and taunt me, not for anything in particular, but what was consistent was they seemed to come out of nowhere and start goading me, trying to get me to respond. Kids I'd never met would mock me. I remember sitting in my parents' station wagon in the parking area of a lake, waiting for them to finish loading up the trunk, probably staring into space, and then suddenly something catching my eye and I looked right and was startled that a girl in the car next to ours was taunting me, exaggerating a wide-eyed look, making fun of my staring. I was mortified.
It occurs to me now, that if it's true that I had Primarily Inattentive ADHD, I was likely staring into space all the time. A spaced out, staring, quiet, self conscious child is a magnet for bullies. It wasn't that i was actually doing anything. It's that I wasn't doing anything but staring into space like a living zombie statue. It occurs to me now that this might have drawn attention.
Anyhow. Click.
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